Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill

I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist

Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*

The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.

You don’t need to explain yourself if you carry a chainsaw.

– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.

Sunday

Do you smoke after sex?

Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”

🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶

Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor

Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now

Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.

AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE

What is Iron Man without his suit?

Stark naked.

Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”

If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.

Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.

My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.

Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.

I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.

My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.

My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon

Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl

This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo

Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.

dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours

Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.

SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?

DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer

SON: what aisle?

DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?

*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door

*hears the word “sex”

*turns down my TV

“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.

*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*

Werewolf 1: Edibles!

I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.