Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.

My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.

Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.

Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂

Jesus loves me. This I know.

For my neighbor told me so.

Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.

I’m flattered…but straight.

I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.

Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?

[After Sex]

Him: how was it for you?

Shakira’s hips: well…

When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.

Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?

Me: I usually take an afternoon nap

Interviewer: what? why?

Me: have to sober up for the drive home

EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.

Can. I. Help. You.

878 dead bodies lay there.

Liam Nesson “Are we done?”

Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”

CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA

this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?

[being chased by killer]

ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*

you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.

[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop

Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itself

Cons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.

I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk

Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…

1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me

friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive

You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.

“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk

Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.

When you in the top 0.001% of listeners you should be able to go to the artist house

GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right

A map of the US presidential election results if you are viewing it as a dog

I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas

Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?