Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
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me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
I don’t know who needs to hear this but, your fingers will never get sticky if you eat your chicken wings while you’re taking a bubble bath
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
Introverts hate small talk. They LOVE tickle fights but they’re shy. They want you to start
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
We were never supposed to have this much access to stupid people’s thoughts, beliefs, and opinions.
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
They say college doesn’t prepare you for real life but it taught me how to get vomit out of practically anything and as a parent that’s literally my most valuable skill
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?