Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
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Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
please help me find just 1 of my 5,000 lighters
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
Love triangle? You mean this Dorito?
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
Sometimes, I have to remind myself that just because my 13yo is much taller than me doesn’t mean he’s in charge.
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
”Been away?”
”Yeah just got back”
”Lucky you, anywhere nice?”
No, I always choose somewhere horrible…