Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
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A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
*calling 911 for the fifth time*
{breathing heavy & whispering} okay, the spider has just reached the ceiling
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
This bar smells like my childhood.
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
if the plane can’t go to the gate, that has nothing to do with me. We landed. I can get out and walk
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector