Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.

I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”

*2 Knights on a Quest*

Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?

Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.

Elgon: Ha! They always say that!

Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?

Elgon:

Gawain: Elgon?

Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*

My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.

Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.

My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.

me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing

My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”

I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”

Detective: how were u able to do it?

Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder

I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese

“So you want a cheeseburger?”

Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad

Me: I got the vaccine!

MIL: I’m coming for a visit

Me: I don’t want it anymore!

wife’s secretary: she’s in a meeting but I can take a message
me out of breath: there’s a cricket in da house

AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving

ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea

Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker

good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.

I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.

Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.

Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.

Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:

“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”

Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.

My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.

Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.

When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.

Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”

Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.

Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!

Thought I’d try one:

18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: No

Wasn’t that adorable?!

“What do you know about atoms?”

“Very little.”

“Besides that.”

For the first half of my life, I thought you could only poop at home. Now I know you can poop anywhere

– my 5yo, unprompted

I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.

Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]