Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
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A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
We were walking out of Costco when we saw this baby eat the receipt before they got out. The mom’s look was just like, oh no
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man