Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
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The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
My kids tried to explain Skibidi Toilet to me.
To my parents, who were always confused by all the weird things I was into: I’m sorry.
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
Call me old-fashioned, but I thought we’d pretty much sorted the design of the cup.
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳