Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct

Occam’s toothbrush: show off

Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.

[5 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.

[8 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.

[Next morning, 6 AM]
Me: Did you put your homework in your backpack? Child: I will.

[8 AM]
Text from child at school: you won’t believe this

I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.

There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat

If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.

I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.

Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?

Aquaman: The what?

[creation of trees]

god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves

tree: like a big coat?

god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off

tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job

[first date]

HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.

ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.

MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*

ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.

Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.

my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .

Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist

I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!

My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”

ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES

There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t

ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.

My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.

I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.

Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.

My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!

Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’

gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots

Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”

Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?

Do strangers call to pay my bills?

And if they do, why don’t you let them?

Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.

Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?

Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?

There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.

My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”

I was getting my mail today and my neighbor asked me if I was gay and I was like “what?” He said he was only asking because of my rainbow lanyard and I was like “oh no it’s much weirder than that.”