Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!

[Casino]

Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards

Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk

Going to a wedding today:

Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.

Clearly I have work to do with the little one.

MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!

ME: that is sound advice

Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…

If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?

The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”

sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location

There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.

Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.

I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.

It didn’t make it.

Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.

ㅤ

It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.

Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary

Employee: sir, this is a haunted house

Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary

concern

Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.

Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.

babysitting a pair of twin babies rn and feeding them saying “here comes the airplane” idk just feels weird

[first day in hell]

Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?

Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—

Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*

Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.

I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.

I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.

It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.

People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges

Entertained some out of town guests last night. At dinner they told us they refused to take the subway because it was too dangerous. My 9 year old said “What? You mean like if you ride on top?”

My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’

it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher

Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.