Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it

>looking for a crisp fall day
>ask mother nature if it’s a hot 60° or a cool 60°
>she laughs and says “it’s a good 60°”
>throw on cozy fall outfit
>it’s a hot 60°

I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?

I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.

[hospital burn unit]

doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor

me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many

Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.

Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic

now is it just me or does this dress look like she’s making pasta from scratch.

Wow, your teeth are white.

Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?

Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself

Body: it’s sleepy time.

Brain: it’s thinky time.

I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.

Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.

[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor

I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?

me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-

british gas:

Me: I love you.

3yo: I love you

Me: Are you my big kid?

3yo: Yup

Me: Are you my sweet boy?

3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.

I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background

The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:

Food delivery driver here, time is money so no need to stand behind your front door for a few minutes pretending that you’ve not just been staring out your window looking for us for the last 20 minutes and yes we saw your curtains twitching

The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…

The difference is Staggering.

CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]

Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.

How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.

Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.

Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.

i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”

If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon

I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one

When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.

Doctor: *eyes wide*

Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time