paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
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Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
I listened to an interview with Matt Damon this morning. We always listen to interviews together.
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?