paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
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In addition to the usual teeth cleaning pain, my wonderful dental hygienist heard “Runaway Train” come on and said “oh I haven’t heard the Goo Goo Dolls in years” and it was like 5 excruciating minutes before I could sputter “Soul Asylum”
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
*gets down on one knee*
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
My husband asked me offhandedly if he had any annoying habits then got fucking offended during the PowerPoint presentation
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
A level of petty I can get with 🤣