“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
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my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
Male writers often compare women to dessert foods. E.g. ‘She had brown chocolate eyes and cherry red lips.’ Whereas, they tend to describe men using savoury foods. E.g. ‘His leg was like a massive baguette.”
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
Women be like ‘I hope you look exactly like your profile photo’ and then when you’re kneeling outside the restaurant holding a fish they’re all ‘Omg what is wrong with you’. I can’t win you guys.
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.