“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
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Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
Corporate Email: To add professionalism to all company correspondence, please make sure to add a photo to your profile.
Me: Okay.
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
found this cool rock hiking today
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
go easy on yourself <3
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
The original Alien is the best because of the smoking. No futuristic nicotine delivery. Just blasting cigs around all that sensitive space equipment. That’s the direction technology advanced: to allow cigarettes in spacecrafts.
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”