“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
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dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
ME (calling my horse with no name):
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
*ernest hemingway voice*
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
The French cow says MEUX…
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.