Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.

“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”

Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.

How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?

I get so stressed trying to keep track of all my Christmas vouchers. I wish there was a universal voucher you could spend anywhere. Maybe it could have the king’s face on it and come in different denominations.

I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.

Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that

three things we don’t talk about

Her: there’s something different about you

Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?

Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.

Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.

Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.

My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.

my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015

y’all made fun of plankton on spongebob for dating a computer and look at y’all now 💀

throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.

Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming

Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye

Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped

my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look

Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.

Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.

Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting

“Go ahead caller”

Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…

Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.

I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.

kidnappers: get in the car

me: i want to sit in front

What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.

Welcome to adulthood: you’re always sleepy unless you’re trying to get to sleep

Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen

Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.

M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.

Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”