*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
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One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.