@TheIronSherk

*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*

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@eff_yeah_steph

*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*

Nurse: We only need one.

*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*

@ItsAndyRyan

“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”

@Tommytoughstuff

ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!

KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.

@iamspacegirl

my 3yo (to an old woman holding a sphinx cat and only a sphinx cat): I really like your bag.

@NervousJr

The same woman who said “I’m your mom not your friend” has sent me 17 Facebook friend requests.

@smithsara79

Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?

Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?

Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*