*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
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*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
my 3yo (to an old woman holding a sphinx cat and only a sphinx cat): I really like your bag.
The same woman who said “I’m your mom not your friend” has sent me 17 Facebook friend requests.
Just bought animal crackers and a kayak.
I hate you Costco.
baby wake up, it’s someday
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks