Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…

and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”

Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!

Me: I am

Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!

Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.

once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches

C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘effusive’

“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”

That is correct. What was your name?

“It’s Siv”

I know lmao [hi5s other judge]

I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.

[Chasing a fox on my bike]

ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!

*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*

Looking forward to Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck getting back together again in 2044.

Him: Sometimes I worry about you.

Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.

Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.

-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September

Men: Masters of multitasking – can watch sports, ignore laundry, and forget your birthday, all at once.

Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.

three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs

My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.

There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.

My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”

Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known

I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.

I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.

I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.

hear me out…

…lasagna-flavoured cologne

not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured

*licks wrists*

Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.

What I say: hold on with two hands

What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none

Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing

Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys

Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!

Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face

Prince Charming:

Friend:

Prince Charming: she left her shoe

Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.

Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate

Old people understand Roman numerals. I for one

Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.

Food delivery driver here, time is money so no need to stand behind your front door for a few minutes pretending that you’ve not just been staring out your window looking for us for the last 20 minutes and yes we saw your curtains twitching