Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Goes to Vegas casino

*Steps out of limo

Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?

Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.

Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit

I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!

I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.

What’s the difference between bird flu and swine flu? Bird flu requires tweetment; swine flu requires oinkment.

If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.

friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me

me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this

ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said

“Look guys! No hands!”

-captain of the Titanic

Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.

Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.

Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.

me: the clogged sink is over here

plumber: (crawls under sink)

me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no

Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”

Me: “Fred or Ben?”

I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.

Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.

They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light

SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here

You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.

We are a nation of people who queue, and who know and respect the rules of queuing. This of course goes out the window when we hear “we are opening till number 4”

If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.

Bring it.

It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.

*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.

Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.

waiter: how was your roast duck sir

me: fine, i’ll take the bill now

waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part

me: no no, i need to pay

waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir

Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.

Or, as I call it, tweeting.

A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.

11: You take a lot of naps

Me: Well you weren’t using them

“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism

Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.

(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)

Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.

Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.

Group: *all rushing to place bets*

The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.

*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog

After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.