Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
You Might Also Like
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
@_NTFG_’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
Whether it’s oversharing with cashiers, feeding stray animals or making paper dolls with celebrity faces we all have our way of coping with loneliness. The important thing is not to get carried away and start a podcast
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
When your man makes a valid point
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up