Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..

When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off

I like to scan my backyard every hour with a high power flashlight to let my neighbors know I won’t tolerate any weirdness around here

If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo

Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*

6yo: Are we there yet?

Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.

I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.

There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.

So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.

How’s your day

Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.

They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.

Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.

Alexa, put me to sleep

“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”

I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.

THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭

guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp

It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.

[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close

i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me

“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER

When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard

My second thought is virgin wizard

I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints

Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.

“what’s wrong with you” right now or in general

And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”

a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO

“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily

This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag

Remember to drink the alcohol with the closest Best Before date first today.

*writes “Tomorrow” on the vodka

ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.

Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?

Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.