Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
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Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
Air pods looking like an angry frog
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
I finally confronted the person that’s eating all my snacks at home, bro had the nerve to hide in the bathroom mirror.
Halloween is cool because it’s the one night a year I don’t get in trouble for pretending to be a doctor
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
My 4yo’s teacher: He’s one of my model students.
Me [aghast]: My child?
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
I don’t think my car can fly
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
Comparing yourself to others
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is