Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves…
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Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
Y’all know who you are.
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
the nation is so divided we need another Cut essay to bring us together
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
“I’m 59 but have a biological age of 21” sorry if you are 59 your biological age is 59 because you are 59 years old
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself