Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms

me: hmmm *writes note*

therapist: what did you just write

me: doesn’t feel so great does it

The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.

My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:

Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.

Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.

“you shouldn’t block people for differing political views” i’ve blocked people for calling a song i like a skip

The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.

[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?

Me: Im still mad at you for last night

Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous

Taking my car to the shop see you in $2000

Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.

If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.

i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives

My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.

the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on

producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?

the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word

producer: sounds bad

the killers: its the greatest song ever written

I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.

me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry

her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-

me: I mean I’ll do anything

her: I just said you can lis-

me: anything at all

Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.

How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant

“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it

Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY

“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”

—Lies Amazon tells me.

SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it

[a light glows in the corner]

ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?

The floor after my kids eat one granola bar

I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.

Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.

I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.

Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.

Reasons people get divorced:

-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy

You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.