Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves…
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911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
smh
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
Just heard a person at the thrift store ask for something in a different size…
A particularly friendly email response from me could mean either:
a) I am happily responding to you.
b) I’ve never wanted to kill someone more but I want you to do the thing that I’ve asked.
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!