Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad

Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.

Autocannibalism is self-serving.

I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.

Thus I have to move it to get a beer.

Because exercise is important too.

Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.

Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?

Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.

good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler

*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL

Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.

Today my friend who cuts my hair told me last year my husband walked in to the salon one afternoon and said “I want to dye my hair blonde but I don’t want to look like I’m going through a personal crisis. Do you think we can accomplish that?”

someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really

[cute guy approaches at bar]

Him: Hey can I…

Me: [blushing] Yes?

Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.

Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.

HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk

Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”

that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.

Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?

Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur

Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not

(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name

Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*

My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.

Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.

Her: How old is he?

Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….

Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.

*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*

We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.

me: if you love something, set it free

wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t

1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever