Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.

I don’t hate you I just wish your next period is in a shark tank

the guy I interviewed just now not only got up from his chair to get his DoorDash order, he then decided to eat it during the interview (spaghetti)

People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me

*first day in prison orientation*

Warden: Are there any questions?

Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?

Warden: …

Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!

getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks

If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.

if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados

YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?

The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.

KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?

ME: no you may not

[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?

*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?

felt cute might bury dad later idk

i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery

Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.

realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”

I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.

Fried some chicken because the 2 yr old telepathically told me we need some

Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.

I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.

Me: [a puppy mediator in the old west] get along, little doggies

Corn Dogs: Uninserted

I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.

It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…

[First day studying philosophy]

Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.

Me: Me?

Professor: Yes.

Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?

Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.

Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up

I hit a deer with my car and had to call a Bambilance…

Please be the blood from a horse’s head

Please be the blood from a horse’s head

Please be the blo…

Nope, just peed the bed again

Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?

I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.

Wait.

Two. I have 2 kids.

Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”