Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“What a nice doggie.”

“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”

“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”

I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”

Quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not working

If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.

me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people

me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful

*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?

I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”

The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.

When can I start eating bats again.

Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land

If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.

extrovert self made too many plans this month, introvert self is pissed

Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.

The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone

People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated

“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”

*the man grating parmesan stops*

“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”

Nobody:

God: Make half of them allergic to spring

[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT

i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport

Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues

Seems legit.

I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..

Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.

Blending in with the normals like:

Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant

Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”

Murphy’s Law: Whatever can happen, will happen.

Kellogg’s Law: When pouring milk into your cereal you will always hit the one flake that makes it shoot across the table.

*steals all the clocks*

*has all the time in the world*

Jesus loves me. This I know.

For my neighbor told me so.

Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.

I’m flattered…but straight.

Bad joke of the day:

What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.

I’m a giver.

*gives you a hard time*