Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.

“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”

My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.

therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?

me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?

therapist:
No.

me:
….Knives?

therapist:
Forget I asked.

[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]

Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.

me other days of the year: amazon is evil

me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??

I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.

I am not a smart woman.

Him: How would you describe yourself?

Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.

When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.

Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief

me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please

vendor: sorry cash only

If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…

I’m locked out. Come let me in.

“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”

My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.

Them: You have a choice-

Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.

Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*

Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years

Me *makes note in diary* will do

Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?

[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse

Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.

Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?

Daughter: I don’t know.

Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.

Just organising my finances.

Doctor: Are you sexually active?

Me: You’ve already written no

Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess

Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess

Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him

[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?

“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”

*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*

Had to submit my CV for something and they asked why there was a three month gap between finishing school and starting university lol

While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.

Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed

I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.

“We could do that, or…”

Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.