Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly

Me: BEAN!!! Come here!

9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public

Me: Beanie Baby?

D: Mom. No.

Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-

D: MOM!!!

Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’

need a SPY 2 where Melissa McCarthy and Jason Statham go undercover as Olympics breakdancers from a made-up country

The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.

*gets in the bus*

*Brings out earphones*

*untangles*

*arrives*

Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”

*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?

Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”

A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”

This is the dumbest apocalypse ever

On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.

Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit

bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend

When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.

my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]

me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT

Her: is it in yet

Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me

Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.

if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked

i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind

My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.

*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*

GUY: HA! You flinched

ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-

GUY: *actually punches me*

Me: We should get a bigger car.

Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?

Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment

Cop: How much have you had to drink?

Me: The precise amount I was predestined to

Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:

1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene

Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.

My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”

My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.

I’m sorry.

Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.

Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.

Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s

All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend

My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude

When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.