Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me during winter: will I ever love again

me the moment the sun comes out: I have fallen in love four times in the same stretch of road

Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.

PSA: Always be yourself

Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time

We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move

I’m not defending anyone, I’m just saying I’ve seen some sexy couches.

Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.

Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”

If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.

[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahaha

Colonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?

Me: Yeah why?

Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now

tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible

I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don’t know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.

“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks

“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower

interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”

me: that’s right

interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”

me: he was there

[6 PM]

Tween:

[7 PM]

Tween:

[8 PM]

Tween:

[9 PM]

Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.

DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth

ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening

I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.

I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.

ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”

The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.

Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.

I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.

[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant

My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.

My two-year old twin nephews are the proverbial bundles of energy. And on bath night they’re clean energy.

I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.

Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.

*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait