paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
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I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
I’m being attacked 😭
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
When you find yourself walking on sunshine and realize you can’t trust Google Maps
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.