Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..

He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.

Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing

Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.

I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.

I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.

I named him Gasper.

Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.

i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now

I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”

If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.

Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream

Me: I’m really into architecture.

Her: Contemporary…modern?

Me: LEGO.

*looking a gift horse in the mouth*

– British dentists

Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy

Me: umm

CEO: call it crunchy

Me: oh ok then we charge less

CEO: hahaha no

me: what’s wrong?

date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal

me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…

date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses

I put my pants on one leg at a time just like everyone else to avoid arousing suspicion.

I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.

i have feelings for you but you have to guess which ones

*quietly opens cheese wrapper*

*dogs come running from upstairs*

Me: How the hell did you hear that?

[10 minutes later]

*gf quietly opens bag of chips*

Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?

banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients

WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas

ME: k

[Christmas morning]

WIFE: um

PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*

ME: you should open that one first

Perfect

if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo

I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive

So inspired right now.

Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.

Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.

E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen

*Re-arranges the dishwasher.

[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry

Welcome home! How was your trip? Do you want to hear the good news about your plants or the bad news about your cat?

My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget