[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
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haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit