Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
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roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
Me: *out of breath and curled up in the fetal position on the treadmill*
Personal trainer: “I say this to you both literally and figuratively, this isn’t working out.”
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
This might be the funniest tweet ever
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
so, is there a mister shapen head
In the past, people had to eat lawn clippings and drink boiling water separately. The invention of tea bags was a big time saver.
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
the greatest twitter interaction
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.