Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
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“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
Reporter: *ports again*
I was dismayed to hear the story of Rumpelstiltskin. I had no idea he was like that outside of work
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
Today I learned that ostriches sometimes walk around and then they forget where they are going. Today I also learned that the ostrich is my spirit animal
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.