Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
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I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
peeping toms
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
