[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
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me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
Tonight my wife is making us watermelon mojitos and if you think you can’t find true love on the Internet well you’re wrong because that’s where she found the recipe.
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
Sing it!
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
My mom says if I’m a good boy, I can be the captain of the gravy boat at Thanksgiving this year.
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
Apparently telling your friends not to stress about their wedding because “it’s your first marriage” is not the right thing to say
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
The instructions say to place the burrito on one microwave safe plate and to put another microwave safe plate on top of it before heating. Were these instructions written by big dishwasher?
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
Today my 4 year old son said to me ‘Dad, can you put my shoes on?’
I replied, ‘No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.’
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.