[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
You Might Also Like
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this