I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
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The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
Me too, bag. Me too….
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?