if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
paramedic: can you tell me what happened
crash victim: I very briefly had a flying car
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Watching my former girlfriend with binoculars is ex-sighting
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
Love so rare, you can still hear it moo.
Me *gets interrupted mid-sentence*
“Oh, hey sorry; finish your story.”
Me *employing my usual level of maturity*: No I don’t want to now.
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
why did everyone play the recorder in primary school what were they training us for