paramedic: can you tell me what happened

crash victim: I very briefly had a flying car

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if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310


Watching my former girlfriend with binoculars is ex-sighting


Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.


Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”


[in bed]

HER: I want you to do something naughty

ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*


Me *gets interrupted mid-sentence*

“Oh, hey sorry; finish your story.”

Me *employing my usual level of maturity*: No I don’t want to now.


Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”


My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.


why did everyone play the recorder in primary school what were they training us for