When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
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The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important