Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
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You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
buying dead houseplants to save time
incredible book dedication
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
This weekend, I’m taking an Uber to visit my parents, and then tipping extra so the driver does the visiting for me while I wait in the car. With the savings on my therapy bill, it should all balance out.
I’d like a food blog without recipes. Just stories of self-empowerment that somehow lead to butternut squash risotto.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer