Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.

One hamburger please

CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here

Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please

I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.

What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.

pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle

architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife

pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes

The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.

wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*

{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.

HER: He’s so kind.

ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.

Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?

Me: Yes, Your Majesty.

Judge: Your Honor.

Me: Oh, Thank you….

Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…

People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.

Me:

Obama:

Me:

Obama:

Me:

Obama:

Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while

Obama:

Me: like we all know who he is, but

Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™

Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for

I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.

[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD

I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.

Me, dressed Covid casual at work.

Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”

Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.

3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.

Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*

He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it

What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.

I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.

There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.

Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!

once I posted “it’s funny how ‘the Hague’ is like the only city that randomly decided to give itself a definite article” and everyone was like “don’t you live in Los Angeles”

gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?

scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one

gen z: what

scientist: what

[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.

Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.

“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.

When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.

That’s the moment you wish you had kids.