paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
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[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
having a job is cool but everydayyy???
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
Attempts to look badass by performing a call to summon the wolves
Gets tackled by 15 rats instead
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives