paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
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Me reminding my kid of all the fun things we did this summer so when he’s asked on the first day of school he doesn’t say “Uhhhh nothing?”
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
you’re either watching a movie with me or you’re watching a movie against me
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
Van Gone
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
volunteer in charge: we are gonna walk around and search for clues about the missing girl.
guy who just bought a new fly fishing rod: we should check the lake first
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!