paramedic: [shining light into my eyes] what’s the last thing you remember
me: the question you just asked
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Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
finally found a reasonable question
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
Alaska’s Passive Aggressive Map of the USA
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?