paramedic: [shining light into my eyes] what’s the last thing you remember
me: the question you just asked
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So, I got banned from the toy store today…
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*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
No, I wasn’t dancing. I wore flowered leggings & got harassed by a bumble bee.
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
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My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.