Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
You Might Also Like
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
making bad rap music is committing crhymes.
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…