Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“please don’t give me the ball, please don’t give me the ball”

-memories of playing high school sports

My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.

INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé

ME: Thank you, I found it outside

[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour

KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.

I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.

I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?

My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.

keeping a picture of my bed in a locket around my neck and staring at it longingly on my lunch break

It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.

I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke

Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard

I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.

One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?

My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.

Countries whose names are lies:

• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom

them: talk is cheap

me: two talks please

Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you

If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.

The twelve days of Christmas be like:

Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)

My purse is deeper than some people.

Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.

Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”

and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.

but they meant Will and Kate ☠️

Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.

#Caturday

“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”

I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.

Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’

to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors

My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction