Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step

Lao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT

Me: Do you have any dreams?

Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…

Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT

The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17

I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.

My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”

GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.

Me: did I pass?

Driving instructor: *swimming away* no

Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?

Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut

Me: well I use a bigger bowl now

GPS randomly stopped working on my phone this morning. Have accepted that I live here now. In the woods. Two blocks from home.

Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet

I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur

My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.

Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”

[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”

[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*

Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”

Me: “ok”

Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”

help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me

sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.

Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?

Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?

Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks

Him: you just offended all of Canada

me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*

my mom: WHAT THE HELL!

Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples

[sitting at a table]

Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number

*thermostat negotiations*

[speed dating]

HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.

ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom

All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.

Sometimes, I have to remind myself that just because my 13yo is much taller than me doesn’t mean he’s in charge.

Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.

No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.

INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?

ME [clever] no

When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”

#LiesYourParentsToldYou