Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
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I bet your first day as a bullfighter they start you off by fighting a really rare steak.
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
Moms. The original autocorrect.
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
Flowers bee like
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.