Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
You Might Also Like
If I was a marriage counselor, I would make the couple each use ANY dating app for 2 minutes.
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
Me: We are underbudget this month!
Dog: *eats kid’s retainers*
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
Boss I didn’t win Powerball please ignore previous text. I WILL be in today & everybody should NOT get fucked
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again