Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?

ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!

Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.

The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.

What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day

[does his regular grocery shopping]

Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?

Me: ……………….yes.

If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.

My eggs wouldn’t ring up at the store and the cashier (an older Black man) said “it’s your lucky day!” And put them in my bag for free because “I ain’t calling that manager over here cuz I don’t like him. I’m old enough to be his father and I ain’t going back and forth with him”

(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?

If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.

Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.

Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*

breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds

lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water

dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also

I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered

the nicest, mildest woman in the office is on a teams call and has just chuckled and said “you know, i could go off. i could go off. you wouldn’t like it, but i could go off” and i’ve never been more scared in my life. i want her to go off

(Job Interview)

Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.

Even a broken shrimp fries rice twice a day

When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔

I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?

Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.

Please send chickpeas.

A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.

I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!

My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.

Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.

My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.

Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles

Long job application should let me clock in to finish them

Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.

Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”

sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad