Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we are

Me [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn

F: well?
Me: we’re in China

My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.

I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.

Me: Doc, I hurt my back.

Dr: What happened?

Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…

Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???

I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.

when you order from DoorDastardly

them: With great power comes great responsibility

me: *shuts off electricity*

I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014

Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.

Coincidence?

Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”

still bigger than my 1st New York apartment

Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4  kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away

I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”

**shaking a magic 8-ball**

Me: Will my vision ever get better?

Coconut:

“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*

never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement

Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.

a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press

ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.

My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.

House sitting for friends while they’re out of town. Never knew Rob kept a diary.

Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.

Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.

Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up

Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?

this could fix me

Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now

I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.

Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo

The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.

My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple

My fingers: so we did a thing