Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
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[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
It’s funny to me when someone obviously just learned a new word. My friend said “penultimate” like 3 times tonight. A plethora of times. Like, an absolute plethora. He kept saying it too, making an even bigger plethora.
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Peter Parker Peter Driver
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
Nobody ever talks about how Sodom and Gomorrah were walkable cities
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.