Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
You Might Also Like
Monica just destroyed the internet
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
What if we kissed underneath the tree filled with escaped research monkeys
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.