Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.

[first day as a waiter]

me: do you have any questions

customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared

me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices

(first day at law school)

Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?

Prof: We don’t.

Me: This is BULLSHIT.

*flips table*

*table floats up to ceiling*

[movie trailer]

IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES

*distant oinks and moo’s*

ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL

*dramatic music*

BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN

*slow piano music*

BEFORE HE HAD A FARM

*flying shot of rolling hills*

HE WAS…

*extreme close up*

YOUNG MACDONALD

[coming soon]

Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed

Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room

David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.

cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—

me: lemme stop you right there. yes

Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…

My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.

If snakes were wide

Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.

Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”

me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend

*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*

I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.

I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.

So cool that avocados come with those little wooden balls inside, I think I have collected the whole set

‍‍‍‍ As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”

(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.

[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please

GOD: Done.

ANGEL: What is it?

GOD: An ostrich.

ANGEL: So it can fly, right?

GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.

ANGEL: I think you need a break dude

I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it

Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?

Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.

don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to

Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.

“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”

The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.

ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns

When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!