Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.

If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college

I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with

My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.

I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end

I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”

If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.

My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.

If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…

Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.

Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.

VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}

PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!

CIA AGENT: Get me more water!

explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process

ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you

[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out

😲 WTF? 😆

Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?

[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing

[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home

Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot

him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral

my wife: not a problem

him: sorry i meant 10

my wife: plenty of wiggle room still

Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.

All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.

Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread

Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open

Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?

71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.

oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review

“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?

[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *

I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.