Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
You Might Also Like
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
Erm…
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
Person: My two year old is grumpier than usual. I think he’s having a growth spurt.
Me, at 33: I think I am too.
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
Good morning
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
After this very serious election let’s do one goofy one
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high