Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
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My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
forgive me baja for i have blast
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
My first son he is wonderful
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes