Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
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Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
Tremendous stuff
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.