Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
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[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
Breakfast in bed this morning! Good thing I fell asleep in a Waffle House booth last night.
Friend, at my first Pride: are you disappointed?
Me, dressed as a lion: no it’s fine
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
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“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
9yo: have you heard the song “I like big butts and I cannot lie”?
me: yes, but that song is inappropriate.
9yo: oh… so I should lie?
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.