Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
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Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
What’s green, has six legs and would kill you if it fell out of a tree?
A billiard table.
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.