Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.

Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.

Whoever named them fitting rooms has a lot of nerve

I wouldn’t describe myself as an “adult”, per se. More like a “long child”.

A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.

I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy

After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall

Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour

Me: Remind me of your name again?

Ben: It’s Ben

Me: one week since you looked at me…

He loved it so much he walked himself up.

If the government wants me to work so bad then they should give me a job at the unemployment office

Friend: I have bad knees.

Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!

When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.

You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.

[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”

It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄

imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.

Him: How close is the storm?

Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*

Pretty close.

Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.

Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates

I can’t believe how different life was before

*googles*

Al Gore invented the Internet

Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?

Me:

My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.

[waiting at the dentist]

Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*

Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat

Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.

Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.

A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.

Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.