Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: well, you know, change is inedible

her: i think you mean inevitable

me: *spitting out several nickels* nope

happy halloween

Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!

To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.

*walks in at 3am*

Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.

[front door 5hrs later]

Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?

The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.

Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.

they should invent a customer service center that isnt currently experiencing higher than normal call volume

people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical

[on a plane]

Captain: I have bad news

Passengers: *gasp*

Captain: the middle class is dying

Passengers: oh, that’s true

Captain: first class might survive

Passengers: what

Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*

Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.

A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?

At the State Fair and can’t find my family anywhere so headed over to look for em at the beer garden for about an hour.

They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.

*Someone compliments me*

Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.

#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!

me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god

A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.

I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.

[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*

Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?

Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.

“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”

Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable

Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?

me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare

principal: where’s your pants?

I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them

We went together like toothpaste and orange juice

INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.

I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.

Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there