Paranormal investigator: “Who’s there?”
Gen X ghost: “Your mom.”
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Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
Can’t stop laughing
*orders delivery*
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
“bury me loose” will never ever be bested 😭
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
We must all do our part for the planet. The other day I unplugged a row of electric cars nobody was using.
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
Called my mom to check on her and we wound up arguing over whether Shrek is Jewish
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?