Paranormal investigator: “Who’s there?”
Gen X ghost: “Your mom.”
You Might Also Like
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but I bet you’ve never asked yourself why we never saw them all together in the same place
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
Alexa: *deep breath*
Dear Mom & Dad,
Remember that one night in my teens when I stood in the kitchen denying I was drunk, all while slurring, swaying & peeing on the floor? Well, I still resent the accusation.
Love,
The best daughter ever
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
Thinking about that one comedy anime gag that always seemed to show up in the 2000s, I never knew what that was called
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”