Paranormal investigator: “Who’s there?”
Gen X ghost: “Your mom.”
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[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
I never know how much to tip a cow.
Everyone’s family
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
I missed you with all my darts
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
#parenting
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.