Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.

GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.

ANGEL:

GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-

“I need an answer to a question, but I’m not looking for the same old information from all the books and articles. I want the real truth.”
“I feel like your first mistake may have been coming to the building with all the books and articles.”

It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere

not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑

Twitter: hey, check out this picture of an Australian golfer accidentally hitting a kangaroo

Me: lol *like*

Twitter: so what I’m getting from this is you want your whole feed to be Australian golf news

Me: n-

Twitter: poor showing today from Sergio Clemsworth, hitting +2 at

If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff

They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.

My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.

My safe word is now just a dry cough.

Executioner: Any last words

Me: No, I’m –

My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call

My teen is about to do some work experience set up by her 6th form college. The idea is to match students with jobs that reflect their skills/interests. My girl is deep into the arts – she loves music, art, photography, making stuff.

Her allocated job? Gravestone maintenance

Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs

Jeremy: That’s really cool dad

Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually

There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.

cop: any drugs on u

me: on or in

cop: what

me: what

If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami

Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.

Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.

My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes

the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor

So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything

Fight

Me: How awful do I look?

Him: You always look beautiful.

Me: Do I need to put makeup on?

Him: Maybe just a…

*stare*

Him: No.

[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right away

Security Guard: take the escalator

Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW

How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.

It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹

Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you

Age 15: kids are stupid

Age 25: kids are stupid

Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid

Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.

Urine for a real treat today.

-Toilets

Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer