Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

20’s: You can eat whatever you want.

30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.

40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.

just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined

Just a friendly reminder folks.

Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.

AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.

THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.

Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.

I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.

Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?

It’s a hole series.

You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.

One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.

9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.

Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.

I’m clumsy but there are upsides. For example if I finish my chips and I’m sad there’s no more chips, I look in my lap and I always find chips.

911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly

wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.

me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.

sister-in-law: hey guys.

me: [screams and passes out]

Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”

Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.

[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast

What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?

I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.

After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.

[First day as an undercover cop]

Drug Dealer: You got the money?

Me: … *into cufflink* Line?

If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.

*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up

911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?

My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.

Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof

I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid

There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.

Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.

When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America

My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.

In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.