Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kid: What’re you doing?

Me: Trying to decide whether I’d rather have a live-in housekeeper or a personal chef.

Kid: We can only have one?

She’s mastered this game.

CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken

ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you

I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.

Send cake.

[at ultrasound]

Wife: omg so what is it?

Me: it’s a baby.

Wife: I know that.

Me: then why did you ask?

Wife:

Doctor: yes then why did you ask?

My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well

You are what you eat?

*eats Natalie Portman*

Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.

Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.

My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.

It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?

People who think all witches are women and all doctors are men must be really confused by witch doctors

I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”

The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.

[at parent-teacher night]

Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, too

Me: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*

If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.

Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.

Sister: What can I get your kids this year?

Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?

Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.

Me:

“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”

my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.

We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth

I find as I get older it’s the little things that bring me joy. Like embarrassing my children.

Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.

I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?

wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma

I had to lay down on my bed to zip up my jeans this morning so I’m calling in thick today

where’s Godzilla when we need him

Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.

I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.

We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.

Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.

*finds another dead plant on patio*

[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!

[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth