Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
You Might Also Like
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
Most high pressure job at the Euros is definitely the guy engraving the trophy live in the stadium. If that were me I’d panic and chisel in ‘SPONG’ or something
Milk Cube
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
Me: whoa look at the size of that spider!
Hostess: want me to get you a tissue for it?
Me: why…did it sneeze?
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.