‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
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I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.